I have a solution to the global whaling debate:

Stop whaling.

Okay, I know that nobody’s going to go for that, but world leaders should at least have something in mind. So there’s only one thing to meet a standstill in whale protection decision-making like the one we saw at the International Whaling Commission this week: a very dramatic eye-roll, heavy sighing and possible gestures of disgust.

The thing is, there’s been a ban on commercial whaling since 1986—a ban that’s been completely ignored by Japan, Iceland and Norway. This complete disregard to the moratorium leaves the IWC looking like a complete joke—and, let’s face it, if they can’t enforce their rules, aren’t they?

What I don’t get is having a meeting to reach a new deal in order to accommodate countries that refuse to cooperate with the original whaling ban. That’s like saying, “No hitting, boys and girls!” and then, after three class bullies continue to beat the pulp out of their classmates, the tiny teacher frets and wrings her hands and, readjusting the askew bun in her hair, mumbles, “Well, then, I suppose we’ll need to reconsider our rules.”

Yes, Japan, Norway, and Iceland—I’m calling you the bullies of the ocean! And let me tell you, you wouldn’t be so high and mighty without your harpoons and whaling gear. Those massive, magnificent creatures would freaking crush you.

So what is an ineffective rule-maker like the IWC to do? They decided to extend the compromise deadline for a year, giving these three countries—the axis of oceanic evil?—to rape and plunder international waters for yet another year. I wonder how many species they’ll decimate in the meantime?

The Japanese already hunt 900 whales a year for “research purposes.” This ungodly number is both unethical and revolting. Why not give them 900 frogs to research on instead? Not that I’m for vivisection at all, but hell, I hear they’re already falling from the sky over there anyway.

And that “research” excuse? Complete bull. You and I and everyone we know knows that these whales are being eaten.

And since IWC delegates couldn’t reach a deal on their own, guess who they’re turning to? The United States. Conservationist are hoping that the Obama administration, which has so far taken swift action to protect other environmental areas, will convince these countries to stop the whale-killing, already.

So what do you say, President Obama, cool cat that you are? Wanna get the ball rolling on an anti-whaling strategy? We know you can do it—we can do it—yes we can!